just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
