i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
