Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
