Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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