Tell her she can't have a vagina
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize