I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
