Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
