Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
