apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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