There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
