I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
