Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
