btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
