Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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