got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Dicks are not precious.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
