U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I am spending my child support on dildos
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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