the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
