o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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