I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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