i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
