when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
