He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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