he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
