My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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