Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
