Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
