She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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