While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
