3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
