Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I bet he comes in French.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
