Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
