Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
