I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
