i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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