Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
