I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
