A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
