I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
