omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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