I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
