that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
