goodnight i made you a song goodbye
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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