Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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