I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
