OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
