Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
