I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize