so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
