yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
