He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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