did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
