Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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