I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
