dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize