Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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