You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize