omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
