i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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